Sunday, February 20, 2011

I Don't Understand

I just don’t understand some people. I don’t understand how they think or how they justify their actions to themselves. And there are only four people in my life who have risen to the level of “special circumstance”. These are the people I will probably never get past what they said or did.

The first is someone I just can’t stand to be around. He pretends to others he’s this great guy and actually thinks that people are in awe of him. He just doesn’t know what they say behind his back. He goes to church every week but will weasel every dime out of you every chance he gets. I have no time or energy to deal with him and yet I have to once in a while.

The next two have never accepted me into the family. Ever. I have never been good enough to be part of their family from day one. During a major medical crisis, it was made clear to me that they were more important than I was even though I was closer to the person at the time than they were. The problem is that I was treated like a pariah even though I should have been included.

The last person on this list just does not like me. According to her I am this horrible person who causes her all these problems. She has also accused me of using the loss of my daughter to gain sympathy. I won’t even address the issue of being a bad person. Outside of these four people, other people generally like me. Enough said.

About the loss of my daughter… Before my daughter passed away, I stayed home most of the time and took care of the family. After her loss, I lost my way for a short time. Since then, I have gone back to work, started school and am currently not able to turn around or meet myself coming and going. This means I am more involved and more motivated than I have been in years. Telling someone the loss of her should not have been as hard because it was expected is a horrible thing to say or imply.

I guess my problem is this. I don’t understand how people justify their actions and words toward others. What never ceases to amaze me is how it’s okay for them to treat others in a way they would never take themselves. And you can’t say anything to them because they do not have any problems. They are right no matter what. They can slam you as much as they want and you cannot say anything to them. They accept no responsibility for their actions and anything that happens must be someone else’s fault.

If someone can explain it, please do. How can everything be my fault? There is no way I can be wrong 100% of the time. I’m smart enough to know that.

7 comments:

  1. You are a wonderful person. Don't you ever forget that. Those people are the toxic ones. I know they can bring you down, but there are others that are lifted up by your words.

    I know who you are talking about telling you to get over the death of your daughter. That "person" is a mean vindictive person. Do not ever let her bring you down. EVER.

    I am in awe of all you are doing right now. You are a great inspiration to me.

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  2. Wow OMG loosin a kid? I am so sorry that is awful must take incredible strength. I know I would lose it. Holy Crap! I wish I could find those special words that would make you feel better but I simpley don't have any but do feel your sorrow. For the non supportive scum that you once called friends during your time of need I would consider them enemies. I look at this way; Friends are people that you need to think about, care about and worry about. Enemies you don't. Will keep you in my prayers.

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  3. When I say I completely understand, I do. I have been through all that you have described here, including the loss of a daughter. For a long time I wondered what I was doing wrong that prevented relationships from cultivating where I wanted them to so desperately. In the end I had to accept that I cannot be accountable for another person's feelings or behaviors and that no amount of anger or effort would change that. It's hard to let go, and the desire for things to be different never goes away completely but the disappointment does fade a bit. I hope that the toxic environment that these people create for you will become lessened and that the brighter part of your life overshadows it all. Good luck in school and in life!

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  4. Well, I'm just a new follower so I don't know you or them well.

    But, think about what you would tell someone else if they just explained all of this to you. Because, from the outside looking in, it is easy to see the people you have mentioned all have some sort of insecurity or issue. They are doing their best to vilify you or make you feel smaller, and unfortunately it is working .

    Don't let them have this much power. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior with out your consent.

    I'm your newest follower. Love your blog!

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  5. Well, I'm just a new follower so I don't know you or them well.

    But, think about what you would tell someone else if they just explained all of this to you. Because, from the outside looking in, it is easy to see the people you have mentioned all have some sort of insecurity or issue. They are doing their best to vilify you or make you feel smaller, and unfortunately it is working .

    Don't let them have this much power. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior with out your consent.

    I'm your newest follower. Love your blog!

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  6. Oy! What a horrible circumstance to be faced with...no, I don't think you're wrong at all. Strange how some people can act...and justify.
    Wishing you friends (and family?) that are supportive and loving. :)

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  7. All the above advice is great.

    I don't understand what you have gone through but I have to say - I am not as strong as you are. I know my life changing end point - just like I would know it for a character in one of my books. That would maybe be the one thing I could not return from. Yet I have known others who did, all finding the path best for them back to life.

    You don't understand how they can be the way they are? Then it is your fault - but don't take that in a harsh way. If you can't see that there are a bizzillion varietys of pain - then you are guilty of expecting a person to live up to the potential you see in them. It is hard for you to not see the good in people, but you take the faults of character you ignore, on as your personal responsibility.

    You blame You - that they don't act properly. Somehow you must bring out the worst in them....it isn't true - but you think it is.

    Guess what sweetheart - You can't fix them. You can't be nice enough or perfect enough or strong enough - to fix anyone.

    I have a dear friend who had to explain that to me - more than one time by the way.

    You are 100% responsible for You. If you disagree with someone in an ugly way - You are responsible for that 100%. Here is why - so long as you allow them to feel better at your expence - they will suck the life out of you. If your still in the game - it's because you are choosing to play. You may choose to walk away at any moment emotionaly - or you may choose to simply hear them and accept they are mean spirited jerks who have nothing to give you. I can smile and show kindness to people I detest - because they are not worth filling my soul with pain for. Sometimes - not often - it is what they needed to realise they were being people they didn't like. Most of the time, they simply either hate my guts - or find new prey for the games they play. Some I have to remove.

    The important thing is that you know in your heart that you are treating people the very best you are capable of. You never know how your life will touch another and what light you may bring to them. If you can wrap your mind in the concept that they don't owe you love - may not even have the capability to feel it - and it's not your job to be the whipping boy for their life - then as you step back from it - You will see that it is not about what they think of you - It is what they think of themselves but project on you?

    Each time they say something horrible To you - think of it as something they hate about themselves. Imagine thay are really saying it to themselves. If you know it is untrue about you - can't you see where it actually is true?

    Two good lines for these people -

    Thank you for your kindness.

    Thank you for explaining your opinion, I will take it under consideration.

    Does that help?

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