Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Pouring My Heart Out
I haven’t joined this blog hop before because most of the time I say what I feel but today is a little different. This is one that asks what you really feel down deep. What makes you sad or what makes your heart beat faster? Today I have come to a realization that’s a little hard to swallow.
You all know my in-laws were here last week and most of you know the history I have with them. It is not a pretty one. They have never truly accepted me into the family and have made it clear I will never be accepted. That I can deal with. I think they feel they are better than me somehow and I don’t understand that but it is what it is. It carries on down to my kids. They are all gaga over my daughter and put the boys to the side. It has been like from the beginning. The biggest issue is their son, my husband.
I have been married to him for almost 27 years. There has been a pattern over the years that has never really changed. He does not support me emotionally. It is one of the most important parts of a relationship and he has failed to come through over and over again.
He has never stood up for me with his parents even when they have been extremely out of line like the time he was in the hospital and they treated me like dirt. When they come to visit, I have to give up my room for them and I have orders barked at me from his father without any word from him. His father also pouts if I don’t wait on him hand and foot. Not once has he told them they were wrong. He tells me they don’t mean anything by it. In other words, I am to shut up.
When I was severely depressed after our daughter passed away, he never tried to get me help. He just ignored it and then told me he wanted to separate. There was no support at all. We were still trying to see each other, but he never would deal with any of the emotional things we needed to deal with. I was in a fog and didn’t see it. The state I was in required medical assistance not ignoring the obvious. I pulled myself out of it without any help from him. He didn’t care enough to make sure I got the help I needed.
He has accused me of some things I will not write on here. They are too ridiculous to put in words. They do show what kind of a person he and his mother think I am. Suffice it say, they think I have the capability to be a completely horrible, selfish person. He has called me names and never apologized. I have NEVER called him a name. I don’t think that’s right at all.
What it boils down to is this. I need to change my situation. I need to continue my life without him. He only thinks of how circumstances affect him. If something happens with one of the kids, his first thought is of how it will affect him. I heard it again last night regarding a situation with our son who just broke up with his fiancé. Who thinks that way? I don’t understand that. I never have.
Changes have to come to my life. I’m working on it but the job situation is not cooperating right now. We’ll see. It may take moving away from here as the job market here is not that great. Maybe that will be the break I need.