Oh my! Yes, they will be here July 2nd. I cannot even begin to tell you how apprehensive I am about this. And they will be here for ten, yes I said ten, days. To top that off, I will be kicked out of my own bed for the duration. How fun does that sound? They will be arriving on a train, which means they will have no car of their own and, because of my husband, the only other vehicle we have is mine. Who do you think will be left stranded for hours at a time? It won’t be anyone else but me.
I am a woman who “has never been good enough for her son”. Now I have had his last name for almost 27 years, but that doesn’t make a difference. That entire time I have been aware that I have to watch everything I say. If I make a comment that is not just right, it will come back to haunt me later, because my husband will inevitably say something to me about it while defending them. I am always the one who is wrong, no matter the situation. If you need an example, I have a previous post located at http://christys62.blogspot.com/2010/06/friday-blog-hops.html that explains some of what I have endured for the last 27 years.
I have been told I need to get over it and I do not dwell on it. This panic comes up when I know I will be seeing them. Last year when they came here and stayed for a week, my father-in-law became demanding. He would order me to get him something and expected to be waited on. This from the same man who treated me like dirt when my husband was in the hospital. I don’t know what will happen with him this time. I know I’ll be on pins and needles the whole time they are here. I try not to let it bother me, but I think the history is so long that I can’t get past it.
In my own weird sense of the way things should be is the answer I believe. I have never been validated by them or my husband. I get the idea that I’m supposed to just shut up and take whatever they throw at me because I somehow owe them. The problem for me is that my family would NEVER have done that to them and there aren’t too many times in my life that I felt I needed to be validated. Most of the time I don’t care what someone else thinks. I would never say that I never feel that way. I have moments of irritation like everyone else. But once in a great while, there will be a series of events that are harder to get past. Their attitude toward me over the years was the result of my inability to get past it. My failing I know. I should be a bigger person, but, damn it, I just can’t this one.