There are days when I have a really hard time talking, or in this case, listening to someone complaining about someone else. It is especially hard if I know and love that person who is being slammed and understand he has his own issues. Why is it so hard to show compassion? Wouldn’t you want someone to try and understand what you are going through? What if the roles were reversed?
One of my kids has some emotional issues that add to his ADD and causes him to not handle stress very well. His ex-girlfriend started texting him this morning about 7 am about everything from telling him she wanted more money (they have 2 kids together) to she wants him to terminate his rights. Because he didn’t handle it well, my husband, his father, got into an argument with him and I got a phone call from him later. All he did was talk about his own son like he was nobody. I have a hard time listening to it when there doesn’t seem to be any compassion for anyone else.
He does this any time he feels like he’s some sort of victim, which he feels like most of the time. Everything in life is about him. And I mean everything. If a situation comes up with me or the kids, he turns it into something that affects him. He has always had to be the most important person in our relationship and then accuses me of not being a team player. It’s because I don’t always agree with him and he takes that as traitorous act. I am usually the buffer between him and the kids. He doesn’t feel they are doing everything they can to live their lives the way he thinks they should be lived. If I don’t agree with him or I try to look at the situation more objectively, I become part the problem.
Last fall he crossed a line I have a hard time taking. I still think about it because I find it inexcusable and he has never apologized for it. We bought a houseboat last September and drove it 11 hours upriver to La Crosse where we live. Most of the time we had a blast, but it soon became apparent that it was one more toy he gets to have and I get to be responsible for driving it and making sure everyone is safe. That seemed to be the pattern every time we took the boat out.
Every year, we have Oktoberfest here. It’s a major deal with a huge parade and lots of partying. The entire town is involved. After the parade we took the boat out with about 15 other people. We parked it on a sandbar and we had a good time there. The problem came when we went to leave. He had had too much to drink so I got to drive. That wasn’t the big problem though. It got dark and if you’ve ever had to drive a houseboat in the dark, you know how difficult that is. You no longer have the visual of going straight or not and you no longer can see landmarks. Another issue is not being able to see the buoys. You cannot run over them because they could do serious damage to your prop. Then you’re dead in the water and on a river that is not good. I had no real help with navigation because everyone on the front deck was standing, in my way, and no one was telling me where the buoys were. I was basically blind. Needless to say, I was getting angrier and angrier. I still had to dock it at this point.
After we finally got to the dock, everyone packed up their things and headed out. We locked up the boat and got in the car to head home. I was not speaking at this point because I was so angry I knew I would blow. He finally broke the silence with, “So now you’re not talking to me”. Keep in mind that I have been the one to dock the boat 99% of the time up till now. He always got to have a good time while I took care of the driving. We would let the kids take turns doing that once in a while, but we were responsible and would take over when we were getting into tighter situations. We didn’t have much more experience than they did, but it was our boat.
I told him I would not go out on the boat any more. I was done. He got to party and socialize while I was left to drive the boat and no one talking to me because they were all out there having a good time. He tried to argue with me about him helping and I told him I didn’t want to hear it. I reminded him that it always went this way and I had had enough. The next words out of his mouth I will remember till I die probably. He said, and I quote, “We have a good time and you always have to be fucking bitch”. He has NEVER apologized for that.
I have NEVER called him any derogatory name. And I mean NEVER. It is not something I think is right. I have thought things like that before, but I do not go there. I am not perfect, but slamming someone with everything you have is NOT acceptable in my view. We all have problems and making a person feel as low as the ground is not the way to get your point across. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this one. He continues to be a very negative person and it’s getting harder and harder to be with him. I know why he’s this way, but that will be left for another post. For now, I’m just frustrated and getting angrier all the time.